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Reinvention: How do we go from who we thought we were “supposed to” be
to who we want to become today and in the future?
By
Valerie J. Shinbaum, MS, LPC, NCC, MAC
As I
live my life, I reflect on how each decade seems better than the one prior. I
have heard many people say they wish they could go back to a certain age, because
that was a better time than now. But I’m of the opposite mind. In my life,
each year unfolds and turns out better than the one before it, and things in my
life get better as I get older.
I have become more and more aware of how
short life is, and I want to come to the end of my life without regrets. I knew
that I would have those regrets if I didn’t make an active, conscious choice
about doing the things I knew I wanted to do. I began to form a “goals list” in
my head of the dreams and plans and experiences I wanted for myself. And I am
pleased to say that I need to constantly add to the list, because that process
is working well in my life.
The process of “reinvention” is best
discussed from the beginning. How do we become “invented” in the first place,
and then how and why do we need to “reinvent” ourselves? Obviously, the first
people who “invent” us are our families of origin. They are the first people
who “imprint” on us ideas of who we are “supposed to be.” Many of these
“imprints” are from gender roles/definitions. And some are from our cultural
background. Still other imprints come from our socioeconomic background or
family history. Clearly, there are many different first “imprints” which serve
to “invent” us during our early years.
As we continue the journey from childhood
into adult life, many other factors influence us. Often, somewhere along the
way we’re told what we “should be” when we grow up, and it just doesn’t feel
right for us. So now what happens? We might choose to reject the idea at those
times when that “this doesn’t feel right” sensation comes over us. Some of us
choose early on to take a stand, claiming the right to choose our own path. But
others of us, who are more sensitive and fearful of the emotional rejection of
our origin families or others whom we allow to have emotional power over us,
might try to walk along the road that was predetermined from childhood.
Eventually these people also come to a place where they know they need to find
their own way, when the “this doesn’t feel right” sensation wins over. The
desire to change becomes strong, even if it involves taking that fearful step of
risking criticism or negative reactions from others. Regardless of the timing,
there comes a defining moment for each of us.
How do we recognize those defining moments?
Often it involves acknowledging our body’s physical reactions to the stressors
of emotional unhappiness. Symptoms like migraine headaches, irritable bowel
syndrome, ulcers, pinched nerves and others may be connected with the stressors
that come from working in a job that isn’t the right fit. Or maybe it’s the way
we dread having to get up out of bed each day, only to go live a life that is
not close to the one we desire. Once we finally start to connect the links of
those physical symptoms to our emotional and psychological well-being, we are
ready to take the next step on a road toward a life more happily lived.
How do we take the next step? The process
often begins with realizing how important it is to let go of the “old messages”
that really don’t work in our current lives. This is a struggle for most
people, and it is easy to keep turning away from who we really want to become.
The “letting go” is SO HARD!!! We often cling tightly to old relationships with
people who might never have been supportive of us. However, based on their
status in our old lives, they hold a very powerful place in our heads, and the
volume of their “voices” is LOUD!
What does it take for us to “turn down the
volume” on the “old voices” and learn to listen for the messages that are
supportive, encouraging and accepting of who we are called to be today? We must
each realize that these new messages come from within us. When we have that
awareness, and we know the strength and determination of the person inside us,
then we’re well on the way toward “reinventing” ourselves. We can move forward
in a positive, empowered and action-oriented manner to become the person we
always knew we wanted to be.
Does “reinvention” happen only once? Absolutely not.
We are a “work in progress,” and “reinvention” is a lifetime process. As
we take each next step, we must remember to let go of anything that is not
working or not needed. When we learn to pack a little lighter, to clear
out the unnecessary clutter, the forward movement takes less effort and because
it’s less burdensome. Will we step backward from time to time?
Certainly. Something will come up; an illness or death, change in marital
status, an issue with a child, or with a friendship. Those kinds of
emotionally charged situations can always throw us off our game, or force us to
change our direction, albeit unwillingly. But if we remember to keep the
focus on ourselves, keep firm in our resolve to choose what is BEST for us,
those “detours” don’t deter us away from the main road for very long,, and we
soon find our way back to the forward-moving, self-fulfilled, well-lived happy
life highway!
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BODY, MIND, and BALANCE